In my mind there are three types of loser:
The ‘Where-is’ Loser
This loser is constantly misplacing items and after a few minutes (seconds) of looking will cry out ‘Where is…’ thereby passing all responsibility for finding said item to somebody more competent or enthusiastic. In my experience this covers most of the males of the species.
The ‘Scatter-Approach’ Loser
This loser is extremely enthusiastic when it comes to searching for what they’ve misplaced, and will continue searching until what seems like the end of time, with no real focus or logic to their search. These people often end up succumbing to ‘where-is-itis’, but by that time nobody cares about what’s been lost and have adapted to life without it. In my experience this covers most dogs and the rest of the male race.
The ‘Brain-Engaged’ Loser
These losers use logic and reason when searching for an item. They consider where they had the item last, who may have moved the item, what the item might have been used for since they last used it, and what else has happened in the intervening time. These losers generally find what they’ve lost. In my experience, only women, and perhaps some dogs, on occasion, are these types of loser.
In the Dounis household we have a good cross section of losers. The husband is a prime example of a ‘Where-is’ Loser and is constantly misplacing things, looking for them for three seconds and then asking me ‘Where is…’. Generally I have no idea where his shoes/tie/belt are, because I have no reason to use any of these things, nor notice where they are. My biggest problem is that despite that, I usually find the items that are lost. This may allow me a short moment of smugness, but in the long term it merely strengthens the rod for my back and ensures that I spend a disproportionate amount of time searching for things that are not mine.
Kimber is the second type of loser. She’s extremely enthusiastic when looking for something, but shows neither rhyme nor reason when it comes to her search pattern. The item she spends most of her time searching for is her ball. If she sees which direction you’ve thrown it in, she’ll generally come back with it. But if she’s taken her eye off that ball for even a second, she’s lost it altogether. Today she spent ten minutes looking for a ball I’d thrown. She passed by it several times, and she expanded her search to include areas the ball could not be in: you could not fault her dedication to the task at hand. But really, it wasn’t even in a hole or anything. Sometimes she leaves her ball somewhere by mistake. Occasionally she’ll come back with it first time. Most of the time, not so much. She either can’t remember where she put it, or she forgets she was looking for it and you have to remind her. “Where’s your ball?” becomes “Your ball, Kimber, bring your ball, where’s your ball?!?!?! Your ball!!!!!!!!!!!!” when she reappears for the fifth time without her ball.
Luckily for the family, we also have a ‘Brain-Engaged’ loser: me! I am the person everyone comes to when they can’t find what they’re looking for, and with good reason. Despite often being under extreme pressure to find things I’ve never used, nor have ever had any reason to know where they are, I am brilliant at finding things. Sometimes it takes me longer than some people in the family are comfortable with, but that’s the price of loser-genius: we can’t always be rushed you know! And when you hide your rubber ball under a massive, flowering, bushy-bush, with lots of leaves at ground level, you’re just going to have to give me ’til November. Okay?!